Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
