Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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