does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
