Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
