Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
