Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
