Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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