Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
