Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
