im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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