from now on my penis is your penis
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
