We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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