My sheets look like a crime scene.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
