Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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