I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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