Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
