I smell stomach acid.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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