I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
