I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
