mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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