Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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