the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
