Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
