Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
