My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
