Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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