I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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