so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I think I won the penis lottery.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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