Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You are a booty call, not a friend.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
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