Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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