Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
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