dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
