burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
