Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
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