I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
im six kinds of drunk right now
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
