The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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