I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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