i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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