I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
