Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
