so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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