Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
