hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
