i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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