doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
