were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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