The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
