I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You are a genius and a whore.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
