Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
