Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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