I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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