its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
are you so shy because you have an std?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
