My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
