apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
