so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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