My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
