I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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