I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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